@equinelover137

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

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@nachosarah

why do people live in regular houses when there are steakhouses

@thats_a_morey

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

@lanyardtwerk

Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.

@Marlebean

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

@Donna_McCoy

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

@Social_Mime

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

@BromanConsul

the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words

@WheelTod

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

@McClaneJohn2

If you see me online 30mins after I said I was going to bed, mind ya business.