A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”