@NoLuckWanted

A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.

You Might Also Like

@mydmac

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

@tkhan74

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

@TheBoydP

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

@Coepacetic

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?

Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you

@3sunzzz

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

@DanMentos

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

@molly7anne

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy