So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
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No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Interviewer: how do you feel about traveling?
Me: oh I dont know, I mean I just met you
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”