Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
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“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
He-man has a Masters degree
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.