The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
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An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.