@meladoodle

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

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@Donna_McCoy

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

@Swishergirl24

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

@dumbbeezie

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

@iGreenMonk

Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.

@CobraKeiser

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

@Browtweaten

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

@UtilityLimb

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

@audipenny

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though

@Barknado69

Tin Man: I want a heart

Cowardly Lion: I want courage

Scarecrow: and a brain

Me: lemme get uhhhhhh

@better_off_dad

CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.