A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag