Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
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People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
me: any clue how my house burned down
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Tin Man: I want a heart
Cowardly Lion: I want courage
Scarecrow: and a brain
Me: lemme get uhhhhhh
CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.