A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
You Might Also Like
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal