A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.