A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
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My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Whoa 😂
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
TODAY
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.