Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ddsmidt

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

@bobby

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

@stevevsninjas

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

@MelaynaLokosky

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

@Divergentmama

You can check out anytime you like
You can never leave
Please bring me my wine

2020 is officially Hotel California

@LizHackett

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

@SayGerv

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

@elle91

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

@TeaPainUSA

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

@reczit

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.