Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?

😂👽

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.