A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!