A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.