A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
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i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.