A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?