A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals