[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
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Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
DOOO EEEET
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women