When I ask someone out and they say no I get uncomfortable and just start clapping and saying “Good answer” like people on Family Feud.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
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Never ask me “Who hurt you?” unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.
Chalant isn’t even a word. Well played nonchalant. Well played.
I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
“Sir, that is a sleeping bag”
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can’t add – parents in China, probably