@BlondAmbitionTO

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

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@Sarcasticsapien

When I ask someone out and they say no I get uncomfortable and just start clapping and saying “Good answer” like people on Family Feud.

@gtfml

Never ask me “Who hurt you?” unless you want to sit through a 13 hour PowerPoint presentation.

@ei8htiesbaby

Chalant isn’t even a word. Well played nonchalant. Well played.

@jazmasta

I’d like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please.
“Sir, that is a sleeping bag”
*winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*

@Gupton68

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

@RodLacroix

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

@TheRealPalMal

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

@YuckyTom

when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican

@theshamingofjay

Make sure you finish all of your math homework, there are dumb kids in America who can’t add – parents in China, probably