A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
You Might Also Like
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My Sentiments Exactly
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
peeping toms
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
The news in a nutshell.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?