i’ve had a few glasses of wine & this is the funniest thing i’ve seen in my entire life
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*yeah, screw this*
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.