a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
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Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.