A guy who lives on my street rang my doorbell and said, “Are you the lesbian who saves the cats?” And I said, “Yes. That’s exactly who I am. Let me get my coat.”

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My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.


This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread


*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.


Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea


“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille


Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.


The whole thing about “we’re all going to die some day,” that’s a joke, right?


Wife: I told you to slow down.

Cop: License & registration, please.

Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers?

Me: Look underneath them.


kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can


Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.