“Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me.” -Alcohol
A guy who lives on my street rang my doorbell and said, “Are you the lesbian who saves the cats?” And I said, “Yes. That’s exactly who I am. Let me get my coat.”
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Stupid cats stealing all our women.
Rhetorical is still a word, right?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.