You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
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Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!