@theheatherhogan

A guy who lives on my street rang my doorbell and said, “Are you the lesbian who saves the cats?” And I said, “Yes. That’s exactly who I am. Let me get my coat.”

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@WilliamAder

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

@PaperWash

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

@Beccnicole

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

@Sirrruh

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He’s going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

@Tha6God

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

@BakwasRadio

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

@pizzajaynow

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.