@jenstatsky

A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.

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@SirEviscerate

*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*

@SCbchbum

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

@TheDragoEffect

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

@BetteMidler

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

@JamesonN7

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

@synthandlasers

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”