A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.

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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.


My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.


My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.


You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.


What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO


“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”


I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.


Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.