Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
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my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
bias laundering edition
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Once again not all heroes wear capes
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs