@jenstatsky

A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.

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@abysmalkittybee

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.

@Parkerlawyer

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

@Kimpulses

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

@heavyvvaves

What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO

@MattMcC1

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

@Parkerlawyer

I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.

@Brentweets

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.