*builds time machine*
*goes back in time 183 days*
*earth is on the other side of the sun*
*dies in space*
A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.
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“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom