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I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Me too door. Me too.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.