A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.


My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.


Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.


I may not be the coolest guy in town but I am the coolest guy in my apar–

*cockroach wearing tiny leather jacket scuttles by*


After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.


Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.


Me: I get no support from my wife, even when doing the crossword
Therapist: I hope you don’t get too down
Me: Oh God, Doc, you as well


A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana


I always blurt out, “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND” in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.