@OhNoSheTwitnt

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

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@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

@jackiembouvier

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

@TheBoydP

Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.

@yerpalmildsauce

I may not be the coolest guy in town but I am the coolest guy in my apar–

*cockroach wearing tiny leather jacket scuttles by*

@cheeky__gal

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

@heyevergreen

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I get no support from my wife, even when doing the crossword
Therapist: I hope you don’t get too down
Me: Oh God, Doc, you as well

@_elvishpresley_

A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana

@genehunter1

I always blurt out, “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND” in my best Al Pacino Scarface accent when I stand next to a stranger at a urinal.