A gym so fancy they call it a James.

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waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal


Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?


[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]


“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.


Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.


Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz


How did you get those horrible burns?
*flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster*
I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.


[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?


I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.


Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…

-me as a therapist