@papasuncle

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

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@mrjohndarby

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

@Dani_Feld

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

@PhilJamesson

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

@chuchugoogoo

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

@TheCatWhisprer

Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.

@niccolethurman

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

@yerpalmildsauce

How did you get those horrible burns?
*flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster*
I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

@TheHyyyype

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

@BradBroaddus

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

@TinaraMinus10

Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…

-me as a therapist