u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
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Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
my retirement plan is braless
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”