If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”
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I get carried away sometimes.
Because I refuse to leave.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.