@ibid78

[A-ha rehearsal]
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”

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@Steelers1972

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

@mrjohndarby

Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel

@SirEviscerate

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

@DeanOkay

Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this

@TheHyyyype

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

@0point5twins

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

@TuffyNyC

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

@ChaseMit

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.