A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
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I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.