@Smug_Lemur

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

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@LawbsterSaid

“Wow! Can you believe it’s almost June already?!”

YES DEB, I AM WHOLLY MYSTIFIED BY THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF TIME ON PLANET EARTH

@sofarrsogud

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

@MsCassieDaniels

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

@WillMckenzieNot

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

@JennyJohnsonHi5

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

@TheBoydP

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

@titusbb

I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.

@GrowlyGrego

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.