Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women.
If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.
*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?
*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME