@Smug_Lemur

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

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@OfficialMizGin

Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women.

If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.

@MartaEffing

*leaning seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Me: how much for the entire case?
Donut shop clerk: ma’am, $8.99 a dozen

@RxitWounds

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

@turtledumplin

We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing…and if you can’t think of who, that friend is you.

@JasonLastname

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

@Karate_Horse

[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

@Karissajem

Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

@AmericanGent69

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME