@Smug_Lemur

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

- @Smug_Lemur

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@kelkulus

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

@TheToddWilliams

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

@causticbob

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

@smithsara79

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

@Reverend_Scott

NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!

ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?

@chopper4jk

If I had 9 lives I’d stick my butthole in your face too.

@DaddyJew

Girl: do you have a condom?

Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen

*hears a knock on the door

4: daddy I think I started a fire

@momsense_ensues

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.