A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
If snakes were wide
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*