@Smug_Lemur

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

- @Smug_Lemur

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@Mr_Kapowski

To the cars honking behind me,

Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets

@kumailn

I wouldn’t say I’m emotionally needy, but I do set the thermostat real low so my cat has to huddle with me for warmth.

@internetluke

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

@aissalanis

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

@thedad

Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.

@PlainTravis

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

@DrunksWithGuns

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

@somelightcrying

I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

@ArfMeasures

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

@SoulYodeler

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song