Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
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“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”