@ErrenMichaels

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

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@Holy_Mowgli

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

@ddsmidt

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

@Aikiwomannc

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

@TeaBeaPea

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

@iinkedZombie

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

@DaddyJew

Boss: go to hell

Me: so stay? or leave? I’m confused

@patnspankme

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

@EndhooS

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

@onyxaminedlife

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time