[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
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Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I’m putting together a team
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Moms. The original autocorrect.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!