@dafloydsta

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

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@ArfMeasures

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

@jjhartinger

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

@simoncholland

Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

@simoncholland

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

@idiot

#rudolph > .nose {
background: red;
border-radius: 50%;
@include shiny;
}

@thatdutchperson

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

@JediGigi

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

@1Happytwit

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

@NickBossRoss

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

@UnFitz

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.