A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
The dark side of Canada
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.