A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
this chia pet tastes awful
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
oh good, now I can stop drinking
necessity is the mother of invention
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Can. I. Help. You.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.