A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

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Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard


Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up


Life is short. Hug your children. Hug your neighbor’s children. Hug the pretty cashier at the dry cleaner. Hug the arresting officer.


Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.


The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.


Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.


We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.



*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}


Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?


Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.