@krisv_723

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

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@ArfMeasures

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

@markedly

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

@nappydolemite

Life is short. Hug your children. Hug your neighbor’s children. Hug the pretty cashier at the dry cleaner. Hug the arresting officer.

@skickwriter

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

@batkaren

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

@themocker69

We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.

@grillyjoel

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

@ThugRaccoons

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

@lovemydogduck

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.