A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
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Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
mumsnet is amazing
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
This is my favorite one of these!
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.