A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.


Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms


Me: I don’t know how to dance to this kind of music

Beer: yes you do


Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go right to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.


Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.


i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order


[having sex]
Me: Oh ya you like that?
Her: Deeper!
Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?


friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too


Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7


I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back