A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
mood
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people