A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.