A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
#polloftheday
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.