Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
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me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.