A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.