A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”