Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
You Might Also Like
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.