A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Comparing yourself to others
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game