@cleverprime

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

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@lisaxy424

the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”

@Amburglar_

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

@orange_rhymer

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

@DJLIWIKZ

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

@Contwixt

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

@caithuls

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s