How to keep calm in traffic jams
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the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s