A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
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A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?