A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond