Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
First Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.
[a girl favs my tweet]
[goes to pharmacy]
one condom please
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
When I die donate my body to science
Science: No thanks we’re good
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God
Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.