@Jenny4ashley

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

You Might Also Like

@MoistPork

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

@RocketRankoon

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

@dshack8

First Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.

@Area51eh

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

@ClamDive

When I die donate my body to science

Science: No thanks we’re good

@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God

Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed

@killlmefam

*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt

@NoDomesticDiva

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.