A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

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Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.


I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!


First Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid gets their head stuck in something, make sure you get your camera before you help them get it out.


LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?


When I die donate my body to science

Science: No thanks we’re good


Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God

Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed


*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt


A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.