A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
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Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side