@mdob11

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

- @mdob11

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@Kristen_Arnett

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

@BlotterMonkey

Having kids is like being at a press conference: “No, you can’t put the dog in the washer – next question.” “No, you can’t really fly -next”

@KentWGraham

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

@BCMontgo

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

@Vice_Queen

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

@withanewname

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

@Marlebean

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

@ReginaldDennys

Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I’m bleeding to death in the ER.

@crouton_futon

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

@Insomniac_Medic

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.