A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
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I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.