The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
You Might Also Like
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
wow he looks just like him
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
How do dragons blow out candles?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
philosophical skeletons be like
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting