diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
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I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Every time my phone rings
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.